Preventing Husband Abuse
Men abused by women need help, support and encouragement from friends, family and society, to give husbands and abused men the strength and courage needed to get away from their abusers once and for all. Remaining silent and not seeking outside intervention rarely stops the abuse but instead finds the emotional and mental abuse often escalates in severity and frequency and eventually leads to some degree of physical assault on the man. Once your spouse or companion has chosen abuse, end the relationship promptly and irrevocably before she or he blames or accuses you of their own behavior. Get a restraining order and change the locks, sue in civil court now and, when the assailant is your spouse, file for divorce. There is nothing wrong with using modern recording devices to prove your claim.
When faced with the breakup of a relationship, especially a marriage, some women become vindictive, and abusive women become very dangerous. When others (friends, relatives, police, attorneys, and judges) believe her, they join in, and the frustrated husband or partner finds himself a victim of undeserved hatred, defamation, and abuse. The other dangers are that some women kill their partner, or the partner’s new companion, or the children, or the relatives, or stage unsuccessful suicides. Sometimes, women fake or inflict injuries on themselves, or use an accomplice, a relative or new lover, to frame her husband or partner. The most common behaviors are pressing false criminal charges, stealing or destroying property, snatching children, and engaging in bad faith litigation.
- Educating yourself about emotionally abusive relationships is the first step to resolving this. An emotionally abusive relationship is more difficult to diagnose than a physically abusive relationship quite simply because the latter doesn’t have physically apparent symptoms. Symptoms could and often slowly creep in to your relationship causing you to adjust to increasing abuse without often realizing it
- Work on building your own self-esteem. One of the most common reasons why a man chooses to marry an abusive wife is due to his own weak self-esteem. Every individual has the power to change their own behavior so instead of focusing on your wife’s shortcomings you can focus on your own strengths.
- Discuss your emotions objectively. In the midst of an argument, our emotions tend to cloud our sense of reason. Usually this places both a man and his wife at a disadvantage. While his wife resorts to tactics of verbal abuse, a man’s only defense is his ability to deflect these attacks with the aid of reason. Otherwise, he will accept his faulty logic as gospel. Thus, when attempting to resolve issues during an argument, a man must strive to maintain control of his emotions. While he may discuss how he feels, he must not allow his emotions to reduce his capability to emerge from an argument with his dignity intact.
- Learn to practice conflict-resolution skills. Many husbands respond to their wife’s verbal abuse by pointing out her faults. Instead of resolving conflicts, they simply prolong them or in certain cases incite them. Instead of squabbling with your spouse, learn to be a peacemaker. This does not mean to simply aim to please her but rather to learn how to be the center of calm in the midst of a catastrophic hurricane.
- Get others involved. Victims of verbal abuse may be hesitant to seek help, considering verbal abuse less serious than physical abuse. However, abuse of any sort creates inequity within a relationship. Marriage counseling can work to repair some of the deeper problems at the root of verbal abuse. Alternatively, family or friends can help to address the issue of verbal abuse. Others may be waiting in the wings, ready to speak up if invited to do so. However, if you chose to involve others, be sure that you will not simply unite to gossip about your wife’s behavior. Instead, simply invite them to take an uncompromising stand against your wife’s behavior.
Physical Abuse - Some who are even physically abused opt to not involve the authorities because they fear that they will not be believed and that the system will take the side of their abusive spouse
- Tell all your friends and other family members.
- Keep a diary of what she does and keep the diary hidden.
- Record (discreetly) her making threats or being violent against someone and use it in court against her later.
- Watch out for a violent woman in the kitchen.
- She has a whole arsenal down there.
- Boiling water, pots and pans, utensils, kitchen knives
Mental Abuse – “The 7 Most Important Things To Know”
(Source: by Annie Kaszina, www. ezinearticles.com)
- Sticks and stones won’t break my bones” - and words won’t leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words: words are used to brainwash.
Being told you are “stupid”, “ugly”, “lazy” or “worthless” is never acceptable. The first times you hear it, it will hurt, naturally. In time you “may get used to” hearing it from a partner. That’s when you start to internalize and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other person’s work of putting you down for them. This is why your feelings of self-worth suffer increasingly over time.
The good news is that just as words have been used to bring you down, you can learn to harness the power of words to build you up and restore your confidence and belief in yourself.
- You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behaviour was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.
- You’re more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”
If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.
- You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?
Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship? When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.
- Your partner blows hot and cold. He can be very loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.
You do everything you can to make him happy, but it’s never good enough. You’re more like the pet dog in the relationship than you are the equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet with limited success. Sometimes he’ll be charmed, often he’s dismissive.
If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal power, at his partner’s expense.
- You feel as if you are constantly walking on eggshells. There is a real degree of fear in the relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. (Maybe the same anxiety and need to please spill over into your other relationships also.)
Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain control over you.
- You can heal. Mentally abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship together and, ultimately, can’t do it, because her partner is working against her.
Whether you are currently in a mentally abusive relationship, have left one recently, or years later are still struggling with the anxieties and low self-worth and lack of confidence caused by mental abuse, it is never too late to heal. But you do need to work with a person or a program specifically geared to mental abuse recovery.
Women who have suffered mental abuse expect radical change of themselves, and they expect it right away. This is why they often struggle and, not uncommonly, take up with another abusive partner.
Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low self-worth and limiting beliefs about what kind of future the abuse sufferer can ever hope for are the blocks that can stop women from moving on. But they are blocks that you can clear very effectively. Just as language was once used to harm you, you can now learn how language can heal you. You can overcome past mental abuse and keep yourself safe from it in the future. You can also learn to feel strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the relationships you truly want.