Characteristics and Tactics of a Husband Abuser
A woman uses her moods, rage, and impulses to control the people around her and she is not satisfied until they have noticed her. Apart from the monetary and property gains, domestic violence is so easy to fabricate and hard to refute that these women crave the sadistic pleasure that comes from destroying their husband or partner. Persons who have experienced an abusive relationship often experience fear or shame or bewilderment. They have tried everything and nothing works. These people have found themselves not knowing what will happen next, riding on an emotional roller coaster that they cannot escape. Most are sad, depressed, humiliated, and just plain exhausted. Many have lost everything they had in the world and are worried about their future. However, these women have no limits. Their outrageous behavior escalates to unbelievable levels and so, no one believes the victim. Some people call this sensation ‘walking on pins and needles’. Many abusive women falsely accuse their partners of infidelity while they have affairs. Nearly all exhibit erratic mood changes, feign illnesses or injuries, and most are practiced actresses. They are not sick; they play the triple roles of a terrorist, a tyrant, and a victim. In some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner.
What Are The Characteristics Of Women Who Are Abusive And Violent?
Alcohol abuse is a major cause and trigger in domestic violence. People, who are intoxicated have less impulse control, are easily frustrated, have greater misunderstandings and are generally prone to resort to violence as a solution to problems. Women who abuse men are frequently alcoholics.
There are certain psychological problems, primarily personality disorders, in which women are characteristically abusive and violent toward men. Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis that is found almost exclusively with women. Approximately 1 to 2 percent of all women have a Borderline Personality disorder. At least 50% of all domestic abuse and violence against men is associated with women who have a Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behaviour, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems and alcohol abuse.
Unrealistic expectations, assumptions and conclusions
Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands of men. These women will typically experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration and irritability which they attribute to a man’s behaviour. In fact, their mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities, emotional problems, and trauma during childhood or even withdrawal from alcohol. They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable. They refuse to enter treatment and may even insist the man needs treatment. Instead of helping themselves, they blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their emotions with alcohol. When men can’t make them feel better, these women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose.
An abusive wife is one who:
- Can hide what she feels very well and put on a mask of innocence.
- Controls your finances.
- Controls your movements, very demanding
- Drinks, does drugs.
- Fights all the time
- It’s difficult to have a conversation without it exploding in swearing and angry name calling.
- Has a bad temper, emotionally berets you, disrespects you
- Conversations don’t have to end in name calling if degrading adverbs are being directed at you.
- Puts you down, belittles you
- You’re being constantly and negatively criticized.
- Has a history of abuse.
- Hurts you yet claims to love you.
- Hurts you but might try to comfort you later and convince you that it was your fault and even though you got hurt, you are the cause of it.
- Name calling
- Even if name calling isn’t including you personally, it might include people you care about.
- Puts one face (the pleasant one) in front of guests and family members but returns to being her evil self once they’re gone.
Warning signs that you could be in an abusive relationship
(Source: “It’s Not Okay Anymore”, Greg Enns and Jan Black)
- Does she criticize, embarrass or humiliate you in front of other people, including your friends or family?
- Does she insist that things you want for yourself are selfish and/or wrong?
- Does your wife, girlfriend or partner withhold affection or sex to “punish” you for violating her rules?
- Does she intimidate you or make you feel afraid in some way? How? Do you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around her to keep the peace?
- Does your wife threaten to harm you, threaten to harm herself or anyone else, if/when you decide to leave and divorce her?
- Does she require or force you to ask her for money, or take your money away from you? How much access do you personally have to the checking account, savings account, bank statements and bills?
- Does your wife or partner control all of the family finances (financial abuse), where you don’t even know what money there is or how, when or where money is being spent?
- Has your wife prevented you from taking a job you want, or kept you from going to school/college? Has your wife forced you through manipulation, coercion or intimidation to quit a job you had?
- Does your wife minimize or deny her abusive treatment of you, or make “jokes” about how she treats you? Does she blame you for her abusive behaviours?
- Does your girlfriend, wife or partner treat you as if you are her personal servant or slave?
- Does she make you do things you feel are ethically or morally wrong or illegal?
- Does your wife or partner criticize or belittle your Christian/religious beliefs, or tell you that your faith or beliefs are wrong?
- Does your wife restrict or limit your contact with your family or friends, or make you leave social gatherings because she says so?
- If you have children together, does your girlfriend or wife threaten you’ll never be able to see your children if you leave or divorce her?
- Has your partner or spouse hit, slapped, punched, kicked, or threatened to cause you physical bodily harm?
10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully
(Source: Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD, www. shrink4men.wordpress.com)
Does your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?
If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.
Do you recognize any of the following behaviours?
1. Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.
Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behaviour to others.
2. Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.
Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.
Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.
3. Verbal attacks. This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, psychopathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behaviour.
Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.
4. Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.
Result: Her gaslighting behaviour may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy making behaviour that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.
5. Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. This is another Borderline characteristic. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behaviour is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be ok for you to Blackberry again.
Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behaviour. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.
Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behaviour. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behaviour, men. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.
6. Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy or being called on her bullshit. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can be the victim later on. This manoeuvre is a defence mechanism called projective identification.
Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hyper-vigilant and in a constant state of defence for incoming attacks.
7. Emotional blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.
Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.
8. Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.
Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.
9. Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.
Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.
10. Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.
Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone; afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.
You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.
Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. Get support, get out, and stay out.